The following things must be stopped:
- Romantic comedies that end with a dash across a busy city to reach someone before they get on a plane.
- Those Halifax adverts where ‘employees’ are all ‘working’ in a ‘radio station’.
- Bawdy pelvic thrusting/using a bottle as a substitute penis in Shakespeare productions, just so we know they’re doing a rude pun.
- People using the word ‘besides’ in films and TV, e.g. ‘We’ll never make it to the airport in time. Besides, it’s rush hour.’ When did anyone ever say this in real life?
- Similarly, people in TV and films saying ‘Ah’ when someone enters an office, e.g. ‘Ah, Mr Barker, do take a seat.’
- Films that end with a crane shot moving up into the sky, usually away from a moving car.
- That weird, scary robot voice doing the announcements at Kings Cross underground station.
- Footballers (especially England players) using the phrase ‘we’ll be the first to hold our hands up’ when contemplating losing. As if there was someone else who should take the blame…
- People doing ironic heavy metal devil horns with their hands at gigs.
- People who say 'less' when they mean 'fewer'.
- People who say 'done' when they mean 'did', e.g. 'He done well'.
- People who say 'there's' when they mean 'there are', e.g. 'There's no more Kit Kats'.
- People who don't know how to use apostrophes. It's really not complicated.
- The following phrases in films: ‘I think you’d better come take a look at this…’; ‘We’ve got company’; ‘Lock and load’; ‘It’s payback time’.
- Comedy panel shows that can’t be bothered to find a proper host, so they use a different lame celebrity every week.
- The use of the Rudyard Kipling poem ‘If’ on TV, especially before a sporting event.
- Text on computers in films that always makes a bleepy sound as it appears across the screen. Again, when did this ever happen in real life?
- People calling me ‘buddy’, ‘fella’ or ‘babes’.
- Top Gear.
- Janet Street Porter.
That is all.
